Have you ever faced the awkward situation of choosing to be friends with your ex? I have encountered this dilemma with almost every guy I have dated. Spoiler Alert: HARD PASS for me.
We have all gotten them "Merry Christmas!", "Happy Birthday!", "Happy Earth day!"... WTF?!?? Whatever stupid excuse was used to reach out to us and restart a conversation. It's so easy to get in touch or reconnect with a text, social media, or email; the next thing you know, you are having a whole conversation with someone you just yesterday were terrific without.
To friend or not to friend?
Here are some questions to ask yourself before deciding if this friendship works for you or not:
What value does having this person as a friend give me?
This one can be tricky, you enjoyed this person's company, or you wouldn't have dated them. They know you well and can give you solid advice since they have been intimate with you. However, if their presence makes you stressed, annoyed, or anxious, it will hold you back. Let it go.
2. Was your ending drama free, and there is no hate?
So you parted on excellent terms, and you aren't hurt, and neither are they. Then anger and resentment aren't stopping your friendship. Suppose this is you; congrats. I haven't been so lucky. For all my breakups, there was a solid reason why we ended, and I didn't want to deal with them. If you didn't end so well, we have no time for it, so bye-bye.
3. Your ex is going to move on; are you cool with that?
And here it is, the question everyone lies to themselves about. If you aren't cutting ties with your ex, be honest. If they show up somewhere with a new relationship, will you be happy for them and welcome that person they bring? If they post or are tagged in photos with their new partner, are you comfortable seeing that? If the answer is no, you are most likely staying friends with them so they magically see how they can't live without you. Don't settle for waiting around; move on.
4. What's your ex's motive for being your friend?
You aren't going to get a straight answer from your ex because chances are they are lying to themself about their intentions. But read the conversation. If they are still fighting about the past, bye, we already ended it; stop fighting about it. Are they sliding inappropriate comments in, including "wyd" late-night texts? Does this one need an explanation? Are they aggressively making comments about your new relationship? It sounds like they aren't over your relationship.
If they genuinely act like friends and are happy for you as you move on, then their intentions are purer. In my experience, this is a unicorn.
5. Is your ex in your friend group?
Being in the friend group can suck. If you have a green light from all the questions above, you and your ex can remain friends, and the group can stay together; if any of those questions spark you second guessing, time for an escape plan. If it's going to hurt you, cause you to stress, or add drama, take this time to try new things and make new connections until you feel comfortable coming back around.
To recap, if it wasn't obvious, 9.5 times out of 10, you can't be friends with an ex… Let it go. Hanging on to the past only takes up space reserved for your future.
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